I've been realizing how testy my emotions are. Its been like this for a while, and I feel like that's no excuse, but at this point I can't really help it. Some days I'm just really annoyed, i usually take it out on one specific person, but that's just because they are the closest to me. I'm really, honestly, just angry ALOT of the time, but I keep it at bay and eventually it's going to come out and explode everywhere. This mood usually lasts a few days. Like I said, I don't want to use it as an excuse, because it really shouldn't be. There's no real excuse to treat people this way, but at the same time, usually people can tell those days where it's explosive. If I seem more easily annoyed or whatever, don't cling to me or talk to me as much. It'll save everyone lots of hassle.
I want to say that talking about all of the VV related issues helps, and I feel better. But honestly, I usually feel worse. I get more upset because I think about it more, and I just get angry. Before all of this started I finally felt like my life was coming together, and with this it started falling apart again. That's partially because I let it, which I am putting a major stop to.
I don't know.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
My Story- From the beginning
If you're reading this, hold tight, because this might get a little long. I'm now 19, entering my sophomore year of college at the end of August. My problems initially started in 9Th grade. Almost 5 years ago. At first it was just constant infections, alot of infections that weren't even diagnosed. I dealt fine with the infections, like most women do. I decided at a young age to wait to have sex until I was married. Like most who make that decision, it didn't last. Come my senior year of high school, I lost my virginity to an amazing guy, and everything seemed to be fine, and as shocked as I was, I was beginning to enjoy sex. About two months later I started noticing pain during sex, but my boyfriend and I chalked it up to a condom that had snapped on me. After a while alot of itching began, and I started to grow more and more uncomfortable and upset. I decided to go to a doctor and get an exam. They tested me for STDs and infections, and sent me on my way. Everything was negative, and that was that. A few weeks later, after continued pain and itching, I decided to try another OBGYN, same process, same answers. By the third doctor I went to, and had the exact same thing happen, the doctor suggested maybe I needed therapy because it was possible I was putting myself in this pain. I couldn't imagine that I was doing that to myself so I went to yet another doctor, who after the standard procedure, told me I may have endometriosis, and I should get ultrasounds done. Well, when the ultrasound tech tried to do a trans vaginal, I was in so much pain, she just couldn't. The endometriosis issue pretty much dropped, and I decided to try one more doctor before leaving for my first year of college. Now, by the time I got to this doctor, I was already starting to feel helpless and pessimistic. I truly was believing that God was punishing me for breaking my promise. It felt like I had a disappointed father, punishing me for lying. After the same old procedure, she told me that she was sorry, but there was nothing wrong with me, and if I was serious about making the pain stop, I needed to seek therapy.
Once I got to school, my problem was not forgotten, but on the back burner. I was a college freshman, and between formal sorority recruitment, a crazy roommate, and getting used to classes and work loads, I didn't have much time to dwell on it. Besides, I held no hope of finding anything wrong with me, and was starting to believe that my problems really were mental. During winter break, my boyfriend and I had a few nights where the pain really wasn't THAT bad, so I figured, maybe it was mental and I was getting over it. Once I got back to school, I moved in with my sorority, and life generally improved, but the pain got worse. There was one night in January I simply couldn't sleep because the itching had turned into a massive burning pain. I went to the campus clinic that morning. Without examination, I was told at the clinic I had genital warts/hpv. I immediately broke down. I couldn't understand. I had one partner, who had no symptoms. The woman who diagnosed me with this, sent me to the actual doctors office in town, to get a second look. The nurse that saw me there, again without examination, told me that it just appeared I was having an allergic reaction, and that's why there was so much itching, discomfort and pain.
Now, before I go any further, I wanna explain, for those who have never suffered this, what the pain during intercourse felt like. Girls- imagine the pain when you lost your virginity-multiply that by 15. In general, it feels like someone is literally ripping my vagina apart. A burning, searing sensation that I can't handle.
The next day, I went to a midwife a few towns over from my college town. She did the standard tests (still negative) then began the examination. Without test results, she told me that I had a yeast infection, probably one of the worst she had ever seen, and a bartholin gland cyst the size of a walnut. She was shocked I could even walk without pain. I felt such extreme relief. This woman, this midwife, seemed to have found the cause of my pain, which was so easily treated. A few weeks later my fairy tale ended. Yeast infection gone, cyst practically gone, still extreme pain. This midwife was phenomenal to me. She never once told me that I was imagining things, or causing this pain for myself. The fact that this woman wanted so desperately to help me, and more importantly BELIEVED me, kept me pushing. After a phone conversation with her, I agreed to see an OBGYN in a larger hospital near to my school. She wanted to make sure that no matter what, she was involved with my case, and I will never be so appreciative of anyone in my life.
I was sitting in my dorm one night with a few of my sorority sisters, and we decided to have one, particularly good with searching and finding things, type in all my symptoms and see what came up. Finally, she found something that none of us had heard of, but matched all of my symptoms completely, along with some symptoms I hadn't even noticed I was experiencing. The problem I had was the "no known cure" part of the description. I wasn't completely focusing on having that though, I wanted to see this doctor first, and see what he said.
I took two of my sisters with me to that appointment, they even sat in the room through the exam. I told the doctor my symptoms, and after listening, he took one of those long cue tips, and applied pressure to various points of my vaginal opening. I shot through the roof with almost every touch. Within a few minutes, he wheeled away, and told me what I had. We had to laugh at the fact that our google search and just one doctor found what so many exams and other doctors had missed. Everybody kept saying, feel better, you have a name now. But that was the problem, all it was was a name. 2.5 months later, I'm still on the antidepressants prescribed to hopefully help with the pain, and they have not done much. ( The doctor prescribed anti depressants because VV, from what I understood from him, is almost like having the nerves around the vaginal opening send the wrong signals, and the antidepressants may help to sort them out) This doctor told me that if that didn't work, he would up the dosage, and if, after a certain amount of time, that didn't work, well then we would try surgery to remove the nerves, and hope they grow back normal. This surgery works about 1/3 of the time.
Now... I cut out quite a few doctors visits due to monotony, I figured, you get the point. But after almost a year of thinking that I was doing this to myself, I do need therapy, as I'm sure many sufferers do/will. It has started to ruin, if not completely ruined my relationship. As with most things, when something is painful, you do not want to continue to do it, so my sex drive has completely diminished, which isn't the best thing in a normal, healthy relationship. My school work suffered, etc etc. Now I have decided to talk about everything on here, I need an outlet for this. There are so many women suffering in silence, or believing that they are creating their own pain for themselves, and that hurts to know just as much as suffering through it myself hurts. I feel for these unknown women. I'm hoping that if we reach out to each other, we can all figure things out. I'm hoping if I reach out to those I love, let them read my personal thoughts and feelings, they may have a better understanding of this situation.
I just went for a physical, about a week and a half ago. The doctor I went to asked about the antidepressants I was on, so I told him I had been diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, and he told me there was no such thing. We discussed it back and forth, and all I could think was, and these doctors, who say there's no such thing as this, are the reason why I didn't know for a year.
Thanks for bearing with me through this incredibly long post.
Once I got to school, my problem was not forgotten, but on the back burner. I was a college freshman, and between formal sorority recruitment, a crazy roommate, and getting used to classes and work loads, I didn't have much time to dwell on it. Besides, I held no hope of finding anything wrong with me, and was starting to believe that my problems really were mental. During winter break, my boyfriend and I had a few nights where the pain really wasn't THAT bad, so I figured, maybe it was mental and I was getting over it. Once I got back to school, I moved in with my sorority, and life generally improved, but the pain got worse. There was one night in January I simply couldn't sleep because the itching had turned into a massive burning pain. I went to the campus clinic that morning. Without examination, I was told at the clinic I had genital warts/hpv. I immediately broke down. I couldn't understand. I had one partner, who had no symptoms. The woman who diagnosed me with this, sent me to the actual doctors office in town, to get a second look. The nurse that saw me there, again without examination, told me that it just appeared I was having an allergic reaction, and that's why there was so much itching, discomfort and pain.
Now, before I go any further, I wanna explain, for those who have never suffered this, what the pain during intercourse felt like. Girls- imagine the pain when you lost your virginity-multiply that by 15. In general, it feels like someone is literally ripping my vagina apart. A burning, searing sensation that I can't handle.
The next day, I went to a midwife a few towns over from my college town. She did the standard tests (still negative) then began the examination. Without test results, she told me that I had a yeast infection, probably one of the worst she had ever seen, and a bartholin gland cyst the size of a walnut. She was shocked I could even walk without pain. I felt such extreme relief. This woman, this midwife, seemed to have found the cause of my pain, which was so easily treated. A few weeks later my fairy tale ended. Yeast infection gone, cyst practically gone, still extreme pain. This midwife was phenomenal to me. She never once told me that I was imagining things, or causing this pain for myself. The fact that this woman wanted so desperately to help me, and more importantly BELIEVED me, kept me pushing. After a phone conversation with her, I agreed to see an OBGYN in a larger hospital near to my school. She wanted to make sure that no matter what, she was involved with my case, and I will never be so appreciative of anyone in my life.
I was sitting in my dorm one night with a few of my sorority sisters, and we decided to have one, particularly good with searching and finding things, type in all my symptoms and see what came up. Finally, she found something that none of us had heard of, but matched all of my symptoms completely, along with some symptoms I hadn't even noticed I was experiencing. The problem I had was the "no known cure" part of the description. I wasn't completely focusing on having that though, I wanted to see this doctor first, and see what he said.
I took two of my sisters with me to that appointment, they even sat in the room through the exam. I told the doctor my symptoms, and after listening, he took one of those long cue tips, and applied pressure to various points of my vaginal opening. I shot through the roof with almost every touch. Within a few minutes, he wheeled away, and told me what I had. We had to laugh at the fact that our google search and just one doctor found what so many exams and other doctors had missed. Everybody kept saying, feel better, you have a name now. But that was the problem, all it was was a name. 2.5 months later, I'm still on the antidepressants prescribed to hopefully help with the pain, and they have not done much. ( The doctor prescribed anti depressants because VV, from what I understood from him, is almost like having the nerves around the vaginal opening send the wrong signals, and the antidepressants may help to sort them out) This doctor told me that if that didn't work, he would up the dosage, and if, after a certain amount of time, that didn't work, well then we would try surgery to remove the nerves, and hope they grow back normal. This surgery works about 1/3 of the time.
Now... I cut out quite a few doctors visits due to monotony, I figured, you get the point. But after almost a year of thinking that I was doing this to myself, I do need therapy, as I'm sure many sufferers do/will. It has started to ruin, if not completely ruined my relationship. As with most things, when something is painful, you do not want to continue to do it, so my sex drive has completely diminished, which isn't the best thing in a normal, healthy relationship. My school work suffered, etc etc. Now I have decided to talk about everything on here, I need an outlet for this. There are so many women suffering in silence, or believing that they are creating their own pain for themselves, and that hurts to know just as much as suffering through it myself hurts. I feel for these unknown women. I'm hoping that if we reach out to each other, we can all figure things out. I'm hoping if I reach out to those I love, let them read my personal thoughts and feelings, they may have a better understanding of this situation.
I just went for a physical, about a week and a half ago. The doctor I went to asked about the antidepressants I was on, so I told him I had been diagnosed with Vulvar Vestibulitis, and he told me there was no such thing. We discussed it back and forth, and all I could think was, and these doctors, who say there's no such thing as this, are the reason why I didn't know for a year.
Thanks for bearing with me through this incredibly long post.
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